Featuring cheese, showtunes, and even some emotion

Happy Thanksgiving, loved ones!

Sweet child of mine, take my hand.
The sky is dark, the clouds
loom before us like an army of whales,
humpbacked and monumental,
but we will ride on their backs until morning
Where our hearts are brighter than any sun.

Do not fear.
Do not weep.
Take my hand.
Walk.

The gleaming cohorts assembled before you are
jacks and dice, games to play.
Strewn in your path, they are nothing but
the meekest of obstacles
cast to distract you.
Let not the appeal of oblivion
distract you.
Think.
Feel.
Be.
You are infinity and the world is nothing to you.

~ ~

Livejournal won't carry over some of my formatting. Dammit.

I've had a good weekend.

Friday, hung out with Ian, then went to Silver Diner with a bunch of the choir-drama kids, then to RTC. We lurked at the roof of a parking garage, frolicked in the fountains, and were accosted by some kids trying to sell us "Booty Sweat," which apparently is actually a legitimate beverage inspired by the drink from Tropic Thunder. In any case, we were supposed to buy it so the sixteen-year-old could support his eight year old she-male daughter, "Samantho." It was very entertaining.

Saturday! Didn't actually take the SATs I thought I was registered for. Guess I wasn't... but I went to see Nine with some kids. I thought it was fantastic, but they didn't quite agree. Then we decided to fly kites and play on a playground, pics on facebook if you wanna see :)

Then on Sunday I had horsebackriding and yoinksed some western saddles for Oklahoma. I had to clean them, they were filthy, it was disgusting. A cappella group rehearsal, and then after church I spent the night at Gift's apartment. We made delicious pizza; Mike (her fiance) didn't want anything on his side other than cheese, while ours had tons of veggies and whatnot, so there was a distinct difference in elevation. It was delicious, though, and we ate it while watching a video of John Pinette's standup. "Let him go, he's just a baby!" Good times.

Today I am practicing with Ian for coffeehouse; he roped me in for a duet by promising me Simon and Garfunkel. I love you all!

On the trip to get to Honors Choir auditions this year, we watched the 1981 film of a stage production of Pippin (choreographed by almighty Fosse) and I'm obsessed with Ben Vereen. Just watch it and you will know what I'm talking about. He won a Tony for being the Lead Player and he is the ultimate performer; you can't see it here but there's an amazing scene in the finale where you see that he is also an incredible actor.

Following in Squill's footsteps, I'm posting a possible college essay. It was actually written for a class assignment, but I like the idea at least, so I'll probably try to use it for something. Thoughts?

( I'm not going to college. Don't be silly. )

First poem I've written in a really long time; I did it this morning during study hall. It's rather a different format than the one to which I am accustomed.

~ ~

Orpheus walks towards the light, each
footstep a solemn, aching toll. Behind
him he hears the faintest whisper
of cloth, the suggestion of another
traveler.

Does the ground pass under his feet? He
fights the urge to turn towards the queen
of death, who bids him a somber,
melancholy farewell. How long gone is
sweet Persephone? But he dares not
look. For lesser pleasures did she
surrender.

His feet move steadily. Under his
breath he counts the cadence, gives
it beat, gives it measure. His fingers reach
for the lyre strapped to his back. They
struggle with a knot, then return
to his side. No music.

It cannot have been long. His
breath comes evenly as ever, and
his forehead is day. He can't hear
a breath behind him, but never was she--
His hand reaches out to lie flat on
the side of the wall.

He stands still, straining his ears,
silent as a god's breath. What
he hears, he is unsure, terrified, and
the cadence of his footsteps, still
echoing through his mind, fights
and clamors against his
heartbeat.

He turns around, and beautiful,
solemn Hades leans forward
to close his eyes with gentle fingers. "Go home,
Orpheus," he says, in a voice to make the world
weep itself into slumber. "You are not for
here."

Turning away, stumbling up the
passage, and it seems as though
the ground races to bear him into
the world, Orpheus returns blindly
into the world.

~ ~

Comment, please? Acknowledgment is helpful right now.

I've been listening nonstop to The Bachelor lately. I'm so obsessed with it right now.

It astonishes me how surprised people are when they discover that I am not an eternally happy-go-lucky ball of energy, but in fact am a highly strung bundle of nerves, anxieties, and insecurities barely held together by a liberal dose of sarcasm and pragmatism.

Milk and honey and Aerosmith makes a good combination.

Today was my audition for Oklahoma /nerves!/

It didn't go too badly, actually, I did the ridiculously difficult ballet dance as well as I could and I've been told I was pretty good, my monologue went over really well with the people in my time slot (of course, I'm good friends with most of them so there might have been a bias) and I actually managed to hit that high f that I was so terrified about.

Have I ever mentioned I really love traditional ballet dancing? To watch it, I mean, and I wish that I could do that. Even though I would actually like to have joints that function when I am old, I still wish I could be a pretty ballerina. I could have been, if we hadn't moved! I was in ballet in kindergarten! One of the girls was auditioning for the featured dancers section (because Oklahoma, right in the middle, has a random-ass dream ballet) and she's a really great dancer (she's a really nice girl, too, actually, she's in Madrigals with me and once when I was freaking out over my physics grades last year she came and talked to me even though I barely knew her so yeah I'm rambling but the point is she's really smart and nice)--

Just so you can actually keep track of what I'm saying: anyway, she did this little ballet routine that was choreographed by another 12th grade ballerina, and she was on point, and it was so lovely and graceful and I felt so envious. I like feeling pretty; when I'm doing dance routines, even though I'm not trained, I feel so graceful and lovely, which is why I'm always pretending I can dance.

Anyway... I can't remember where I was going with this post. But the point is, my audition went fairly well and I'm pleased with everything.

Callbacks on Thursday! Wish me luck.

~ ~

I also wanted to mention (I forgot as I was about to click "post") was that I started using our elliptical again and I'd forgotten how much I loved it :)

Part of my reason for stopping is that when I began using it, that daily exercise ended up getting tied into not eating and all kinds of bad stuff, and when I pulled myself off of it, I had to let go of a lot of things. Like what happens with serious cases of anorexia; where it's so extreme that when they stop, they can't restrain themselves at all and often end up becoming obese. Which sometimes then circles back...

I really needed to start again, though. I have actually been putting on pudge, which bothers me, and I know it's my fault because while I don't eat much more than last year, I also do absolutely nothing at all in terms of physical stress. And I always hate it when people complain about things that they could easily do something about, and instead of doing something, they just complain. I can't stand it. So I decided that instead of whining about gaining weight, I would actually exercise and maintain my size.

I was really anxious, actually, that taking this up again (I started using my exercise ball again a few weeks prior) was going to reawaken tendencies. Especially because last Friday, at one a.m., for some reason I had a major freakout. I was trying to fall asleep but I kept getting really restless and thinking about the fact that my thighs were touching (omigod, big deal right? RITE??) and suddenly had to get up and practically tore apart my sister's room (she wasn't there) looking for a tape measure so I could freaking measure myself. I called myself disgusting, which is something that I haven't done since freshman year and that whole mess, and was crying and a whole mess but also trying to be quiet because everyone was asleep o.O

I'm proud of myself, though, because I actually managed to mostly calm myself down. I had to take out my diary that I only use in times of stress or boredom, and literally just started listing reasons I should not worry that I was at 145 (the heaviest I've ever been). For example, I just started using weights and doing sit-ups again, so some muscle mass may cause weight, I ate more than usual tonight, my period's about to start and I'm bloated. And then a whole bunch of anxious "dear God please God don't let me fall into this again," because it's awful and no one deserves to go through it. Especially me, because I'm usually too practical for that, I think.

Anyway, I'm feeling good now, and I'm not really sure where that spaz attack came from. But rest assured it is subdued!

~ ~

My lovelies, this turned out so much longer than I had originally anticipated. Näkemiin! (which, apparently, means goodbye in Finnish)

It always gets me. Always. I am hard pressed to think of a single more beautiful ending to a book, film, comic, video game, or any other form of literature.

First day of senior year <3

It was okay... First period AP Gov was fine, I have friends in it who sit near me, same with third period, English. Fifth period of course is Madrigals, which is a super awesome class.

I nearly had a panic attack that there would be no friends in my AP Calc class, but joyously Timothy was there. Timothy and I are biffles in the same way that I don't traumatize Matt because he LOVES ME. Except more actually biffles.

Tomorrow I get to be at school at six thirty to SING. YAAAAAAY.

Man, I'm on a Hayao Miyazaki kick!

I watched Howl's Moving Castle last night... I got so confused sometimes, because while I know it strays pretty far from the book, I kept getting tripped up on minor details. Like, "Is Sophie actually changing back and forth, or is Howl just able to see it because he's a wizard?" and "Wait... does Sophie know that Howl knows about her curse?" and "Wait... did that scene actually happen because they're acting like it didn't..."

I just finished watching Princess Mononoke, which all kinds of epic and win and just the kind of movie I'm in the mood for right now, beautiful and majestic and strange and not crammed with details like so many fantasy movies are. And I do agree with what Andrew said so long ago after watching it--that nothing is really actually resolved in the end. It's just going to happen all over again. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! You gotta believe....

IN YOURSELF! Sorry, shout out to Magic Knight Rayearth. Anyway, the point is that you have to just suspend disbelief. Because that's what fantasy is all about :)

I also reread the first volume of Amatsuki, while I cried that no one had continued translating and scanlating the chapters. The last one came out more than a year ago, yes? Curse their eyes!


Today I felt very much like sitting around doing nothing and that is precisely what I did.

My Hana Yori Dango is, I hope, temporarily assuaged now that I've finished the manga and almost watched the live action series twice through. I'm avoiding the anime for now.

--- ---

The other day I went into D.C. with some friends that I don't hang out with often--my friend Kerry contacted me in the middle of July and told me about a German exchange student that she was going to be spending some time with. Seeing as I take German, she invited me to come along. So she, I, another friend, and the German exchange student frolicked through D.C. for a day. We spent a few hours in the museum of natural history, then walked for about half an hour looking for a place to eat that was reasonably priced, before heading back to the Mall for museums and then realizing we were done with the museums.

Let me say, though, I adore museums. I actually do, not ironically. I find them really interesting, and I love looking at the exhibits, and I love them, I really do. I know, I'm such a loser~

After we were done with the museums, we went and saw Ponyo. For a RIDICULOUS matinee price. I mean, $8.75 for MATINEE? Ugh. Shoot me. Ridiculous.

Anyway, Ponyo was extremely cute and whimsical, very much a children's movie, which is extremely unusual for American children's movies, which tend to provide humour to apply to all ages, and very probably not worth $8.75. I have to say, I love Liam Neeson's character, the magician father? He's all walking around in his striped suit with a puffy cravat and giant red hair and either an extremely gaunt face or just heavy makeup.

It was such a random movie too, with all the kids knowing random dinosaurs and random things about the moon.

--- ---

Lately I seem to be getting into fits of gloom, which is a little annoying. I think it might be the imminence of school, but I'm not sure. Perhaps the abundance of unfinished summer assignments?

I do desire strongly to see all of the people I've missed out on. Ian keeps niggling me because I haven't spent as much time with him the past two weeks or so, but I spent practically every day of July with him, the greedy pants!

--- ---

I have this incredibly strong urge to watch Hayao Miyazaki films right now, but Youtube is DUMB.

--- ---

<3

I'm so hooked on awful television it's not even funny. It started off well enough... I enjoyed cartoons, some more intelligent than others. I was then sucked into Project Rungay. America's Next Top Model soon followed.

Then I started watching crappy SCRIPTED television. Where I once could not even bear to watch Secret Life of the American Teenager, a lazy day spent on the couch hooked me on it. I haven't fallen to the point that I seek it out, but I do not hesitate to watch it. I can't stop watching Make It Or Break It either. It's really bad.

AND the reality shows didn't end... the "Real Housewives" shows on Bravo, and oh God, the addictive hot mess that is NYC Prep. I just can't get away from all these annoying, self-entitled people.

~ ~

I spent all of last night watching "Boys Before Flowers" (the live-action version) and it's really addictive. If it was American television, I would think it was awful, but it since it's Japanese and it's an adaptation of an anime that was an adaptation of a manga, it works. It's the style; it's a certain attitude and style of anime and, from what I've seen, a lot of Japanese television and that's why Americans seem to fail at adapting anime for their own purposes.

Hence, the hot mess that was Dragonball Evolution. Because you can't really take a slapstick anime and try to make it a combined serious-epic/high-school-outcast/coming-of-age/cgi-scifi movie and have it work.

I've been working the past week as an intern in Representative Paul Tonko's office, and it's been pretty fun, I get to joke around with my fellow girl scout intern and the college age interns.

Our chief of staff wears a cardigan all the time; Courtney (the other girl) and I didn't realize it was more than just a fashion accessory until we were eating outside one day and saw her leave to go to lunch, sans the cardigan. She had a full sleeve tattoo on her left arm. Pretty BA!

Today Courtney, the two guy interns and I went to the senate gallery and watched the confirmation of Sonya Sotomayor. I was squealing like a fangirl: "Oh look, there's John Kerry and his face that looks so evil! There's little teddy bear McCain!"

Jokes aside, it was really amazing and solemn, or would have been if the four of us weren't all really sarcastic jokesters.

Did YOU do anything historic with your day? :D

I believe in infinity. I BELIEVE IN INFINITY AND I BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE THINGS THAT DO NOT END.

It's been almost a week since I got back and it took me this long to post... Sorry. Somehow I'm just not good at updating my life on livejournal.

Astonishingly enough, guys, the Baltic and Scandinavia are beautiful. I loved Copenhagen--they have lots everywhere with dozens of bikes that people rent and then ride about the city. And people are kayaking through the city in the canal. I got hit by jetlag hard, though, and it was such an awful flight there that I didn't tour in Copenhagen, and I didn't see the Little Mermaid. I didn't get seasick this time when we got on the boat, though, excellent!

I don't like cruises, as a means of tourism, because I don't think you actually see the city at all. I do like huge buffets with tons of beautiful food that you just can't leave because you need to taste it.

My favorite part of the trip was not a location. I was walking through the buffet line with a serious face and this old, small, black man with an accent said to me, "Smile, my lady, smile!" When I complied he said, "It's beautiful!" I love people like that.

There were some song-and-dance shows that were generally pretty good. There was one really awkward dance where the male dancers were literally pole-dancing. Like, really sexually pole-dancing. There was one getting really into it, and I noticed because I'd been watching him the past few shows. I was sitting there thinking, "I see you. I see you, Latin diva. Don't pretend. I know that in your heart you're really wearing tasseled pasties and a sequin thong. I see you, diva."

On the cruise ship they had an art gallery, which was beautiful. I am now obsessed with Martiros Manoukian--some of the pieces by him were so dynamic, so colorful, and just so ultimately beautiful that I would seriously walk through the art gallery just so I could stare at them. Look at his art, if you can. It's amazing.

Anyway, since I've been back I've spent a lot of time with Boy, and I spent a lot of money buying formal shirts because I'm doing an internship next week and I didn't own any formal shirts. I can't go to a congressman's office shirtless, even if he is liberal. I will not be THAT kind of congressional aide~ And then I went shoe-shopping, because I also would like to not walk around DC barefoot and I owned no formal shoes.

My dad signed me up for that thing. I didn't want to do it. Now he gets annoyed at me for not getting excited about the thing I told him I didn't want to do. Anyway, I feel it within my rights use that as an excuse to jump into frivolous consumer culture. And I didn't even buy that one pair of super-cute purple flats.

WHAT THE BUCK?

Just thinking about how the things in your life change, where you are, what you're doing, and what's important to you.

Because we so often try to fight selfishness that we sometimes forget that we are at the center of our own little universes, that ultimately you have to take care of yourself. Because we try so often to save everyone else that we forget to give ourselves love.

Because it's impossible to understand another person, really, no matter how we try, because we just aren't them and we can't know how they feel. Because we can't really judge, but we have to try day after day because we find our own position in the world by where others stand.

I'm not unhappy or anything, far from it. I'm just suddenly thoughtful.

It happens sometimes.

I'm so glad to be back, and I'm so bad at updating that my life kinda fails when it comes to livejournal, because I remember looking at old entries and it went, "I hate that fucking whore" to a series of videos and twilight hating and sometimes occasional updates and then back with Ian with no legitimate explanation whatsoever, and it's a little ridiculous because I put so much importance on lj because it connects me to you guys and then I don't ever update it unless there's absolutely nothing else going on in my life, which is the most useless time to update it ever.

Anyway, I love you all and I want to see you very strongly.